Yeah, I finally got to do something...not work or school related. I work so much if I don't die by the end of the year I'll be massively impressed. Not to mention on top of that I'm on my period so I'm even MORE exhausted now.

Anyway. School. It's going. My job at the Entomology Department is alright. Not to bad, not to fantastic. DQ is about to become hell because we got a new GM, who is apparently a hard ass. And thusly, for some reason, the managers are like "oh I have to be hard ass too." I miss Bobbie. She was nice. This is a damn college town. The only people who are hard ass are Profs no one likes. Stupid GM.

Shea gave me a BLT tonight. It made me happy. Especially after 2 panic attacks. And now what seems to be the depression I haven't been able to toss. Well, I call it depression. Whether it is or not I don't know because I won't see a shrink. I'm too poor for a shrink.

As it is I have to go back to my OBGYN to get a test done because I had an abnormal pap smear. For the boys, that's where they took some cells from my cervix and had them analyzed to make sure I don't have anything wrong with it. An abnormal one means I could have anything from an infection to cervical cancer. Most often it's an infection, but that chance that it's not has me a little scared.

But yeah. I don't feel so hot emotionally. Probably because I refuse to talk to anyone about it. I don't really even want to talk to my poor boyfriend about it anymore because I feel like I burden him with it too much.

And I've convinced myself that my friends will hate me for talking to them about it, one because a lot of my emotional issues stem issues that have to do with them but that I choose to keep all locked inside (my need to please is horribly high), and I've done it wrong in the past so I'm afraid everyone will just tell me I'm emo and a bitch and wrong and to go away.

I really hate myself sometimes. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like crying more often that I really want to. I pretend to be happy, and do a convincing job of it I think, but deep down I'm not very happy at all. Part of this is all PMS induced. The other part is 6+ years of pent up emotional stress that I never tell anyone about. So pardon my partial emotional cleansing....which really isn't helping.

Oh well. My life moves forward.

I'm determined to start up the Cosplay Club. Even if I don't have even enough money to pay for books. It just means I'll have to hold off on everything. Fuck.

I should go to bed. But I'll just end up thinking to much about stuff. So I'll work on something.

Ta~